Day 1: Waking Into Longing

Part 1 of 4 (Striving)

This section, Waking Into Longing, is the first entry about Day 1 of the retreat. It was my first morning waking up into silence. No words, no eye contact, no phone. Just stillness, cold air, and whatever thoughts chose to arrive.

This section is about noticing what that first full day felt like. The quiet. The doubt. The laughter. And the surprising realization that surfaced before breakfast.

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Day 1: Wanting to be Wanted

(Striving)

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When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. The world is ruled by letting things take their course. It cannot be ruled by interfering.

— Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, chapter 48

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Waking Into Longing

The alarm startled me, even though I had been waiting for it.

5:15 AM.

I was grateful I had set it the night before, though I had woken up multiple times throughout the night to check the glowing red numbers on the small bedside alarm. Each time I stirred, I half-expected to hear my children down the hall, the hum of the air purifier, the subtle creaks of my home. But there was only stillness. A very different kind of quiet.

And now, here it was – the first morning where silence was no longer just an idea, but a reality.

I lay there for a moment, feeling the unfamiliarity of it. I was excited, but there was something else underneath. Apprehension. A lingering sense of stepping into the unknown.

That was the thing about the unknown – I had always seen it as a temporary state, something waiting to be solved. It existed only to be conquered, understood, turned into the known. The entire reason for the unknown’s existence was for it to eventually become known. That was just how I’d always thought about it.

But my coach had challenged me on this recently.

Okay, I should actually back up here and explain what I mean by “coach.” Every now and then in conversation, I might mention something I talked about with my “coach,” and almost without fail, I get the look. Head tilt. Curious pause. Sometimes a skeptical squint. “Wait… you have a coach?” I’ve gotten used to it. I don’t play a sport. I’m not training for a marathon. So the word tends to throw people off. For a while, I tried to clarify: life coach? career coach? therapist-in-disguise? But eventually I stopped. “Coach” is still the best word I’ve found. The rest can stay a little mysterious.

Now, back to the story...

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